Nope. Don’t you dare call my wife a “butthole”

There’s an article making the rounds lately entitled “don’t be a butthole wife”, and as soon as I read it I knew I had to type out a response. Because this author is calling my wife a butthole.

And I don’t appreciate it.

I’m not going to link to the article. If it hasn’t been shared on your social media yet, you can probably find it by googling “butthole wife” though I’d handle those search results with care if I were you.

I see a lot of similarities between this article and the “50 reasons not to drink alcohol” article I responded to a year ago. The gist of the article is that the author recently lost her husband, and is regretting being what she considers a nag during their marriage. It’s a classic case of “I feel this way, and am going to pen an article and post it on the internet saying that you should feel this way too, or you’re doing it wrong.” She goes a step further, though, and refers to people who don’t yet feel that way as “buttholes wives”. (Never mind the awkward use of “butthole” for now. We’ll address that in a bit.)

I get it. She’s grieving. I’ll give her that. She has regrets about her husband and how she acted. Granted. But this is not even close to a good basis for sage marriage advice. I’m fairly certain that everyone who loses someone close to them has regrets. But don’t demand that other people act on your regrets. That gets parents in trouble and makes bloggers look foolish.

I have a message for Christian women authors: Stop it.

Stop telling my wife these toxic, abhorrent things.

Stop telling my wife that I’m incapable of performing in a normal adult capacity. Stop telling her that my ego and masculinity are so fragile that I can’t handle a simple rebuke from my sister in Christ, the woman I love and for whom I vowed to lay down my life. Stop telling her that it would shatter my delicate self-esteem to serve her by assisting with family chores. Stop it.

Stop telling her that it would destroy my purpose in life for her to bring in income. Stop telling my wife that I have to be the one in charge at all times. Stop telling her that her whole reason for everything she does is to make my life better. If you can’t stop that, then at least stop telling her that I don’t owe her the same treatment. For that matter, stop telling her that she owes me all this and I don’t owe her a thing.

Stop telling my wife that she has to respect me without expecting respect in return. Stop telling her that she’s just fortunate that I give her my love. Stop telling her that you don’t think she deserves it. Stop telling her that I stand between her and God. Stop telling her that she brings abuse on herself by claiming her God-given self-agency.

Stop tearing my wife down. Stop it. She has enough problems and opposition deluging her from the world. She doesn’t need that crap from her sisters in Christ too.

And don’t ever call my wife a butthole again.


And because I promised:

Can we just collectively agree that if an author is hesitant to use the word “asshole” then they should simply say “jerk” or something like that? Substituting “butthole” for “asshole” doesn’t make it less profane or vulgar. If you want to be “edgy”, you’re going to have to own up to it.

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40 thoughts on “Nope. Don’t you dare call my wife a “butthole”

  1. Yeah I’m hearing you man. I’m incredibly thankful for my wife for everything she does. I’m incredibly thankful for her perseverance and patience with me. There’s no way I’d ever consider my wife a butthole, or asshole, under any circumstances. If anything, I’m the asshole.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you. And thank you again!!! It’s about time that grown, Christian men started standing up and taking pride in the fact that they are adults, and not just another child to raise. And at the same time this author displayed the humbleness to be Christ-like in that we are all equals, we are all servants, and marriage is a partnership of mutuality, not a business where someone’s the boss.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you so very much. I said something similar to this on a FB page and was howled down by a baying mob of angry women. Your last sentence was the capper. No excuse for this. I’m seeing the language trend now in Christian women blogging and it’s disgusting and unnecessary.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Well said sir
    My wife is my hero, I spent a lot of years in a place of taking this amazing woman for granted. Thank God for her perseverance and love. I have learned through God and this amazing woman to love better. Way to stand up.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. For the sake of my emotional health and sanity, I adamantly refuse to read the “article.” But I’m part of a group where someone shared it and it garnered a ton of negative controversy. I love this so much. So relieved to have found this page, and am incredulous that I didn’t know about you soon! You rock, man! 🙂

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  6. I do not think it’s okay to reply to an article to drag it down. There are plenty of women who nag their husbands and say that their husbands are less then great. Which might be true but pointing it out so much is not okay. You said you believe that she is grieving and that’s her reason for writing these terrible words down. I say you’re insensitive because you can only look at one side. Maybe not every man has a wife like yours, great, you are lucky. But to influence that women can nag their husbands to death to get “respect” is not okay. Think before you write

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Did you not just respond to this article to bring down the author/topic? So, dare I say it’s a bit hypocritical?

      The best way to handle articles you DON’T approve of is by moving on.

      That having been said, I’d like to say “Amen, sir!” I know I have a tendency to nag, my husband has a tendency to be a bit messy. Because we love each other, we work on it together. Neither of us are assholes, just human!

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  7. Thank you, I just read her article, and yours popped up immediately after it on my newsfeed. I had seen hers a few days ago and did not read it because of her title. However, a Christian man shared it so I thought, I’ll give it a look-see. I felt offended. I can see her point, but as you said, it was not delivered in a “do all that you can to promote unity if the spirit” kind of way. Thank you for elevating the woman in your life, and really, all of us who are trying to keep up. Submission is not about putting ourselves down, it is about elevating others above ourselves. Humility is not thinking less about ourselves,it is thinking about others more.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Actually, no. It’s not enough for a man to simply call himself a feminist. That kind of claim needs to be backed up by action.
      Here are some articles to help: 1, 2, & 3

      Edit: After looking at this commenter’s website, I’ve decided to stop approving his comments.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. As a victim of domestic violence, that article drove me insane. The dynamics she describes are off just enough to start setting off alarm bells, but not off enough for me to pinpoint in technicolour why.

    I think one of the reasons is the ultimate double bind though – if you follow her advice you lose your own independence and self respect, you carry the emotional load and mental work of the family; but if you allow space for your husband to come back later to pick up his own clothes you’re an asshole wife and I assume if you kick the clothes in a corner and leave them til he gets around to it you’re probably lazy as well. This is a deliberately constructed, no-win scenario.

    It’s manipulative nonsense. There is no one size fits all approach to families, and how anyone else approaches their life isn’t my business. But I personally wouldn’t write an article that rubber stamped abuse dynamics and share it around with a congratulatory pat on the back, because insulting people in a shallow fashion on a topic I clearly don’t truly understand is a highlight of my week…

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  9. I loved it, thank you!

    I usually feel like a failure as a parent for any number of reasons…daily, we don’t need another article telling us we are also failing as a spouse.

    I understand why she wrote it, but no. Sometimes I am a terrible wife. Sometimes my husband is an terrible husband. When the cute quirks become throat punch worthy, there is usually an underlying issue that needs to be resolved but it doesn’t make either one of us terrible!

    Women are harsh with each other. Parenting and marriages are not competitions to be won. With social media they can feel like they are, and as women we need to stop comparing our house to someone else’s. What works for one does not work for another. Sometimes we are terrible to the other one, that’s just living with someone else.

    No wife is perfect all the time. No husband is perfect all the time. It’s a partnership to be the best to and for each other.
    Sometimes we suck, but mostly we don’t. Most of the time neither of us are terrible.

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  10. With all due respect I think you missed the point of the article you speak of. You have to understand that it is a commentary on empathy. It is not about a “butthole wife”, it’s about a “butthole” spouse, it’s about people who can be a little jerk-ish, who expect you to prioritize them but not you – It’s about the lack of empathy. If you read carefully you can see that the words wife/husband and he/she can be used interchangeably. So, you have to see past your gender preconceptions and read it in a genderless manor. I suggest every man and woman read the article you talk about as if it was them who had written it. If you are a husband read it as being a “butthole husband” rather than a “butthole wife”. Then forget about the wife and husband aspect and read it as a “butthole friend”, a “butthole boss”, etc. Stop seeking perfection in others when you are not capable of giving it yourself. Accept people as Christ would. Please just have empathy brothers and sisters.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the civil response! I’m not gonna lie, what you’re suggesting sounds perfectly lovely, and if that is the intention of the author, that’s great.
      But even assuming that, it’s not the intention of the majority of people who’ve shared the article on social media. Of the 20,000 people who’ve viewed my post (as of right now) you’re the first to suggest such a thing. I’ve deleted comments from men who openly admit to SENDING this article to their wives as a silencing measure.
      In my opinion, if this article had been written by anyone other than a woman about her husband it would have been ignored. The gender element is implicit.

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  11. I wholeheartedly agree with Allan. I never took the article as an attack on me personally. It actually caused me to think about my shortcomings with my husband and to be thankful that I have one that loves me and takes very good care of me. It also caused me to imagine what my life would be like if he weren’t here and provoke thoughts of how I can strive to be a better wife. Isn’t that Biblical- to always strive to be more Christ-like? I feel the author was asking the reader to change their perspective- not wallop us for being a low down, good for nothing wife. But the use of “butthole” was offensive and you are right about that.

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  12. Thanks so much for your take on this. I am several years married and part of what I believe makes it work is that we do have FAIR expectations of each other – and when one or the other falls short of the mark, we let each other know. Putting laundry in a hamper is a fair adult expectation if ever there was one. We BOTH fall short of the mark from time to time, and we BOTH are sometimes in need of reminders. I rely on my husband to be that mirror for me – to help me find and improve upon my shortcomings (and also help me celebrate victories!) and I do the same for him. It’s all part of the work involved in striving to become the best version of ourselves – the most Christ-like version of ourselves we can be. And I don’t like being called a butthole for that!! ;))

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    1. Would you call your husband a butthole husband? Couldn’t she find a way to say what you believe she is saying without stereotyping wives as selfish nags, and while affirming the needs and responsibilities of both persons in the marriage?

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  13. I respect his point of view but I really think her point is much different than what he is saying!!! As a former butthole wife I focused on the annoyance of what wasn’t rather than appreciate all he does do as well as my own little messes! And the absolute poison being a butthole rather than express myself about whatever requests I had in a respectful manner that invites cooperation rather.

    We all have shortcomings and since I’ve put on my big girl pants and treated my partner with respect and understand rather than fuming and lecturing him like a child about things like leaving laundry…over the past few years we have grown and help each other in every way. And I didn’t have to be a butthole about it.

    While I can relate to the feelings that lead to a wife and mother to act like a butthole, it’s not okay to be a butthole.
    It hurts the kids and relationship!

    Love,
    Former Butthole Wife

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I think the point the she was trying to make is being completely missed. As hindsight tends to be so clear, she wishes she would have been less annoyed by the ‘little things’ and more grateful for the husband she had. I think we can apply this to all relationships; marriage, parents, kids, friends etc. It’s remembering to “not sweat the small stuff” before there is no small stuff to sweat. We all have our flaws. male and female. By making this about gender, we totally miss the point this author was trying to make. And…… sweating the small stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Again, I think the point still stands that if this has been written by anyone other than a woman and about anyone other than her husband, the article would have been ignored. Whether she wrote in a gendered context or not, it has been used against women on social media in that context.

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  15. I love how you recognized that these attitudes towards your wife really, in the end, reflect back on you, as husband, as well!

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  16. I appreciate your standing up for women, but I wonder, who has used it against women? She doesn’t say that it applies to all women, and I certainly didn’t take it to mean that I am a butthole, though sometimes I can be when I dwell on all of the negatives, nor that I should put up with my husband or kids or whomever I love not being responsible. I took as a message to not let that stuff spoil your marriage. Nobody will ever be perfect and there will always be something that will bother us about our spouses, but if we dwell on those negatives and keep nagging him/her to fix them, instead of letting God do the work (not to say that we should never say anything), then yes we can get out of line sometimes. I am sorry that you and others took it a different way to mean that we should put up with everything. Thanks for standing up for women though in case it really was meant as you interpreted.

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  17. The author of ‘don’t be a butthole wife’ was a widow who wrote about her complaints in her marriage of having to clean up his dirty clothes, etc. And how after his death she’d realized how much she had focused on the wrong things and wished she had cherished him more. She went on to say that in her next marriage she chose to appreciate her husband more and complain less by focusing on the positives rather than only the negatives. Personally I thought her article encouraged mutual respect & appreciation within marriage. However, since I’m single, I could see how some would conclude my opinion irrelevant.

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    1. I don’t think being single makes your opinion irrelevant. 🙂 But like I said in another response, if it was “I regret doing this” it would be much different than “if you do what I did you’re a butthole”

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  18. I guess I didn’t read into the article that way. I felt like the gist of it was that we should be grateful for everything we can do for the other person. If your spouse is messy, be grateful that you have a spouse. Pick anything they do, and you’ll regret constantly riding them. This is the same for men AND for women. The thing I took away from it was “be grateful”.

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